I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
