I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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