if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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