So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my vag is so smooth its legendary
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i will never coherently bang her
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
