I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
