My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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