Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
