Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
