OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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