id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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