Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
