If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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