If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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