My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
