My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
