I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Two words: blizzard sex
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
