Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
