Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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