That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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