tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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