If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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