dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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