i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
