I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
