Too much gin, very little bucket
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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