I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
