i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Dear god my vagina.
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