in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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