i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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