My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
