I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
