Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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