oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
