fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Randomize
