More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
so let's talk penis.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
