my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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