Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
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She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
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The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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