Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
