My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
