You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
