I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
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she is the kim kardashian of front butts
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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