Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
