I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
