they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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