you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
