so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
