You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
