My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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