Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
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So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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