I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
