I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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