He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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