some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
