you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
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they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
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Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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