I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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