thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Your penis caused this!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
