I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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