Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.