It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!