whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
