don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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