Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
