i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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